Mathematics physics chemistry engineering
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume. The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral. The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement. The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table. If it was my company: The engineer tried to look up the model and serial numbers, couldn't find them, so told his manager that it's just not going to work.
We chemists, who test by destroying a small sample, would weigh the ball, snip out a 1mm cube and weigh this - thus getting an accurate volume.
mathematics physics engineering
So a mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist are out hunting together. They spy a deer(*) in the woods. The physicist calculates the velocity of the deer and the effect of gravity on the bullet, aims his rifle and fires. Alas, he misses; the bullet passes three feet behind the deer. The deer bolts some yards, but comes to a halt, still within sight of the trio. "Shame you missed," comments the engineer, "but of course with an ordinary gun, one would expect that." He then levels his special deer-hunting gun, which he rigged together from an ordinary rifle, a sextant, a compass, a barometer, and a bunch of flashing lights which don't do anything but impress onlookers, and fires. Alas, his bullet passes three feet in front of the deer, who by this time wises up and vanishes for good. "Well," says the physicist, "your contraption didn't get it either." "What do you mean?" pipes up the mathematician. "Between the two of you, that was a perfect shot!" (*) How they knew it was a deer: The physicist observed that it behaved in a deer-like manner, so it must be a deer. The mathematician asked the physicist what it was, thereby reducing it to a previously solved problem. The engineer was in the woods to hunt deer, therefore it was a deer.
mathematics physics
A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment. The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the woman on the bed." The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the bed!" And he gets up and storms out. The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach her?" The physicist smiles and replied, "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!"
mathematics engineering
From: LJGOLD01#NoSpam.ulkyvm.louisville.edu A businessman needed to employ a quantitative type person. He wasn't sure if he should get a mathematician, an engineer, or an applied mathematician. As it happened, all the applicants were male. The businessman devised a test. The mathematician came first. Miss How, the administrative assistant took him into the hall. At the end of the hall, lounging on a couch, was a beautiful woman. Miss How said, "You may only go half the distance at a time. When you reach the end, you may kiss our model." The mathematician explained how he would never get there in a finite number of iterations and politely excused himself. Then came the engineer. He quickly bounded halfway down the hall, then halfway again, and so on. Soon he declared he was well within accepted error tolerance and grabbed the beautiful woman and kissed her. Finally it was the applied mathematician's turn. Miss How explained the rules. The applied mathematician listened politely, then grabbed Miss How and gave her a big smooch. "What was that about?" she cried. "Well, you see I'm an applied mathematician. If I can't solve the problem, I change it!"
physics engineering computer science
From: pascual#NoSpam.tid.es (Pascual de Juan Nuqez) Three men, a physicist, a engineer and a computer scientist, are travelling in a car. Suddenly, the car starts to smoke and stops. The three atonished men try to solve the problem: - Physicist says: This is obviously a classic problem of torque. It has been overloaded the elasticity limit of the main axis. - Engineer says : Let's be serious! The matter is that it has been burned the spark of the connecting rod to the dynamo of the radiator. I can easily repair it by hammering. - Computer scientist says : What if we get off the car, wait a minute, and then get in and try again?
engineering computer science
From: Dave Murray <u01dagm#NoSpam.abdn.ac.uk> There are comp sci student, an engineering student and a meterology student going through the desert in a jeep. Suddenly the jeep stops and they're left sitting there wondering what happened.. The Eng student pipes up, " must be the fan belt thats broken..the engine has overheated...so we'll just have to wait till it cools down, bodge the fan belt and we'll be fine." The meterology replies, "naw, it's not that...its just the ambient heat in this place. It's not allowing the engine to breath correctly...we just have to wait till night time.." The comp sci student thinks about this for a minute then says, "yeah, you might be right, but I've got an idea....What say we all get out..then get back in again?"
mathematics engineering computer science
An engineer, a mathematician, and a computer programmer are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The engineer says that they should buy a new car. The mathematician says they should sell the old tire and buy a new one. The computer programmer says they should drive the car around the block and see if the tire fixes itself.
mathematics biology computer science
A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in Africa. They drive out into the savannah in their jeep, stop and scour the horizon with their binoculars. The biologist: "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle: a white zebra! It's fantastic! There are white zebras! We'll be famous!" The statistician: "It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra" The mathematician: "Actually, we know there exists a zebra which is white on one side" The computer scientist: "Oh no! A special case!"
mathematics physics computer science
A philosopher, a physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist were travelling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train. "Aha," says the philosopher, "I see that Scottish sheep are black." "Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black." "No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!" "Oh, no!" shouts the computer scientist, "A special case!" Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were travelling on the same train when they passed the same field full of sheep. "Look at that solitary black sheep among all those white ones" said Watson to Holmes. "Yes Watson, the ratio of black sheep to white in that field is one black to three hundred and seventeen white" replied Holmes. "But how can you be so precise" said Watson, flabbergasted. "Elementary, my dear Watson" replied Holmes, "I counted all of the legs and divided by four!"
mathematics physics engineering
A mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist are being interviewed for a job. In each case, the interview goes along famously until the last question is asked: "How much is one plus one?" Each of them suspects a trap, and is hesitant to answer. The mathematician thinks for a moment, and says "I'm not sure, but I think it converges". The physicist says "I'm not sure, but I think it's on the order of one" The engineer gets up, closes the door to the office, and says "How much do you want it to be?".
mathematics
A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress. The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems. The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health. The mathematician says: " You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife --- you can do some mathematics.
mathematics physics biology
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.". The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced". The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again."
mathematics engineering
There were two men trying to decide what to do for a living. They went to see a counselor, and he decided that they had good problem solving skills. He tried a test to narrow the area of specialty. He put each man in a room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the table. He said "Boil the water". Both men moved the pot from the table to the stove and turned on the burner to boil the water. Next, he put them into a room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the floor. Again, he said "Boil the water". The first man put the pot on the stove and turned on the burner. The counselor told him to be an Engineer, because he could solve each problem individually. The second man moved the pot from the floor to the table, and then moved the pot from the table to the stove and turned on the burner. The counselor told him to be a mathematician because he reduced the problem to a previously solved problem.
engineering
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, ``It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.'' Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.'' The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?''
mathematics physics engineering
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence. The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution." The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd." The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I define myself to be on the outside!"
mathematics physics engineering
One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least amount of fence. The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design. The physicist made a long, straight line and proclaimed 'We can assume the length is infinite...' and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was certainly a more efficient way to do it. The Mathematician just laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said 'I declare myself to be on the outside.'
chemistry engineering
Four men were sitting one day discussing how smart their dog's were. The first man was an Engineer, who said his dog could do math. His dog was named T-Square, and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The Accountant said that his dog was better. His dog, Slide Rule, was told to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of 3, which Slide Rule did with no problem. The Chemist said his dog was smarter, his dog named Measure, was told to get a quart of milk, and pour 7 ounces into a 10 ounce glass. The dog did this with no trouble at all, and all three men agreed that their dog's were equally smart. Then they turned to the Union Member and asked, what can your dog do? The Union Member called his dog, who was named Coffee Break, and said, "Show the fellows what you can do". Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, fucked the other dogs, and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievence report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workmens Compensation, and left for home on sick leave.
mathematics physics
A mathematician and a physicist are given the task of describing a room. They both go in, and spend hours meticulously writing down every detail, each turning in nearly a ream of paper. The next day, the room is changed, and they are again given the task. The physicist spends the better part of the day, but the mathematician, amazingly enough, leaves within a minute. he hands in a single sheet of paper with the following description: Put picture back on wall to return to previously solved state.
mathematics engineering
To tell a difference between a mathematician and an engineer, perform this experiment. Put an empty kettle in the middle of the kitchen floor and tell your subjects to boil some water. The engineer will fill the kettle with water, put it on the stove, and turn the flame on. The mathematician will do the same thing. Next, put the kettle already filled with water on the stove, and ask the subjects to boil the water. The engineer will turn the flame on. The mathematician will empty the kettle and put it in the middle of the kitchen floor... thereby reducing the problem to one that has already been solved!
mathematics physics engineering
A Mathematician (M) and an Engineer (E) attend a lecture by a Physicist. The topic concerns Kulza-Klein theories involving physical processes that occur in spaces with dimensions of 9, 12 and even higher. The M is sitting, clearly enjoying the lecture, while the E is frowning and looking generally confused and puzzled. By the end the E has a terrible headache. At the end, the M comments about the wonderful lecture. The E says "How do you understand this stuff?" M: "I just visualize the process." E: "How can you POSSIBLY visualize something that occurs in 9-dimensional space?" M: "Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then let N go to 9."
mathematics physics engineering
When considering the behaviour of a howitzer: A mathematician will be able to calculate where the shell will land. A physicist will be able to explain how the shell gets there. An engineer will stand there and try to catch it.
mathematics physics engineering
From: "Frank Kosanke" <digger#NoSpam.htb.de> (Blame translation from German on Joachim) A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician make their first parachute jump. Before the jump the instructor explains exactly what they must do: Jump out of the plane, count until three and pull the line. The physicist jumps. For him counting till three is too unexact and too primitive. Instead, he calculates out of his height, angle and velocity the exact moment he should pull the line for a soft landing and arrives optimally. The engineer is a practical man and thinks calling to three is too unreliable and therefore dangerous... He jumps and pulls the line immediately. He takes a bit longer than the physicist but he lands safely. Both see jump the mathematician jump out of the plane. He falls ... and falls ... and falls ... No parachute opens and finally he falls on the ground. Fortunately, he lands in a haystack. The physicist and engineer walk alarmed to the haystack and while they dig him out they hear him say: "From this follows from complete induction: 3"
www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/6.html
by zeeshan ali
